Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Mother


I am sad.

I have been trying to get out of my mother's tight grip for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s all about. I’ve spent such a large chunk of my life coming up with little white lies and covering up stories of various sorts only to avoid conflict.

She’s always been the one who drew up conclusions and came up with verdicts.

I was never allowed to go anywhere. When there was a class night out, I was the one who stayed at home. When a bunch of friends from school went to the coast, I was the one who didn’t. When there was a concert I really wanted to be at, it was me who stayed in my room, rewinding the tapes.

She is the most passive-aggressive being in this galaxy.

You wouldn’t believe me, since she’d be all sweet and nice with you, but I know what happens once we’re both back home. First she’ll drop in a line that’ll make you question your wording. Then your decision. And then the outcome thereof. She’ll plant the tiny seed of doubt into everything you do. She’ll say it’s your decision and you know best, but you’ll just know she doesnt really mean it.

She’s always been there for me because she’s my mother. But at the same time she’s never been there for me for the same reason.

I’m moving two continents away and instead of using the time left the best we can, she’ll ruin it (and keep ruining it by bringing it up all over again) until we’re cat-and-mouse all over each other and I’ll be bummed out and she’ll be sad and it’ll all go to hell until I’m 13 thousand kilometres away and she realizes what she’s done.

And it’ll be my fault. I chose wrong, I left her, I’m the bad guy. And I will feel bad. That's what she's done to me. She'll be right and I'll be wrong once again. And she'll be proud she's managed to screw me in the head once again. That's what mothers do.

And I’ll be sad because she still won’t get the point.

9 comments:

  1. kako mi to poznato zvuči! kad te prvo potakne da nešto učiniš, a onda te indirektno kažnjava dok ti stojiš pored nje s upitnicima iznad glave i pokušavaš shvatiti zašto se odjednom osjećaš kao govno izjedeno krivnjom...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ma, užas! Najgore je to što si to u glavi nikako ne mogu opravdati jer me očigledno istrenirala u majmuna koji se uvijek osjeća krivim.

      Delete
    2. same here! i kad znam da nisam kriva, a u 99,9% slučajeva stvarno nisam, opet ja ispaštam jer se uvijek osjećam krivom. i sasvim je moguće da ću završiti u luđačkoj košulji zbog nje i njezine kažnjavajuće šutnje i njezinih "nije ništa" i "nema veze, samo ti idi".

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    3. "Dobro..."

      Aaaaarrrrgh!

      Delete
  2. Ja za svoju kazem, kao da ima zidovske krvi. Suosjecam s tobom. Moja sestra je isto otisla na drugi kontinent, i sad je sva njena paznja usmjerena na mene. Tako da ako imas brace ili sestara, razmisli o tome sta njima cinis i ako nista, salji im fine poklone da ih cinis sretnima :P

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  3. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DuFXA1YHc7Q/T5Q7EEuVBuI/AAAAAAAADkA/a2OaNKzUB1Y/s400/tumblr_m2t3ruFXkK1r5d0ofo1_500.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  4. Haha, da, tako nekako kao na sličici...

    Meni sestra isto govori da iskuliram i da će tako biti lakše, a ja bih najradije sve to fino uskovitlao, pa da onda vidimo tko će kako...

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  5. Kao da opisuješ moju majku - užas. Od kad sam se preselila super se slažemo jer jednostavno kad razgovor krene nekud kud mi ne odgovara kažem da moram ići i spustim slušalicu.

    Hvala bogu da imam burazere kojima se mogu pojadati, posebno ovom koji mi je trenutno "šef" :)

    Zbog nje mi je jedna od dražih sličica ova

    http://i455.photobucket.com/albums/qq276/laurynjudson/postsecret/mother.jpg

    i potpuno te razumijem i taj love/hate relationship...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A da, valjda se to slegne nakon nekog vremena. Inače je totalno pointless. Pa, nemamo mi sedam godina...

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