Saturday, October 30, 2010

Brain Drain

Sometimes a thought crosses my mind that I should just shut up. And smack myself on the head. And simply not care. In no particular order.

I might possibly the only idiot out there who gets really annoyed by stuff that's happening around. Some get upset about people eating animals or wearing fur or crossing the street at a red light or littering or smoking in the public transportation or not apologizing for breaking your toe with their high heel or whatever. Human stupidity is what does the trick for me.

Not the I'm-a-teen-brat-and-I-don't-care-about-anything style. Just the conscious lack of usage of brain. And you have to admit that happens more often than ever.

Now, I'm not excluding myself from the whole story, since I can be such a gigantic moron from time to time. I'm aware of that and I'm working on that constantly. But that's another story.

I just don't get people who're incompetent. I might not hold a shovel the way I'm supposed to (if there is a proper way to hold one) and maybe I'm too clumsy to do certain things, but some people are beyond me. Maybe it doesn't have so much to do with incompetence, but with organizing things.

Well, I suck at that too, so maybe I shouldn't be pointing all this out, but anyway. Some people like to make a complete mess out of whatever their task is, so they have to repeat the same thing several times. When I do something with my dad, for example, I have to make a plan for myself since he surely hasn't got one. So before we even start I ask him what he wants to do and what the end goal is. I feel like an ass doing that, but I've learned it's just easier for everyone to do it this way.

He has a way of seeing things one step at a time, which makes him have to do the same thing at least three times. Whether it's moving something, measuring it or simply figuring out what to do with it. Now that I think of it, it must be him who I got the disorganized gene from.

Let's say we have to cut down some old trees in order to plant new healthy ones (which happened two weeks ago or so). He's worrying about the trees falling down on other trees, so we simply pull it away in a certain direction and crack the first one down. We get the smaller branches out of the way and put them on a pile and then we cut the trunk in smaller pieces, so that we (meaning me) can get them ready for the cutting and all. Wow, I'm really making this long.

What I wanted to say is that his deal is that he puts the branches right next to the trunk. So I say, let's put them aside now, so that we have more space to work around. That's not important, he says. Well, I know it isn't because it's not him who's gonna be taking all that shit from that pile to a new one, further away.

The same with the trunks and the logs. Let's put them here. Then we have to move them. So in the end, after three migrations, he figures I should get them up to the house since they'll get wet. So I get half of them up and I'm dead, since they're so heavy and it's uphill all the way. So we leave the rest at the bottom of the meadow and plan to cover them so they don't get wet.

And when the time comes, we'll get them out and cut them so that we can use it for the fire. And then we'll get those from under the house as well. And then we'll take all the cut-up wood and get it into the cellar. Or maybe just a part of it.

You can imagine my face when he tells me we're going to the weekend house.

The same happens with everything. Getting the carpet out of the living room to air it out demands moving the 200 kg old-craft dining table at least six times. Gah!

Anyway, this is not where I was going. I was gonna tell you what has happened to day and what blew me off completely.

It's a well known situation that most of the people are just incompetent for their job. Often doing something they're not skilled for for work makes it a long-term disaster. Especially in countries where bribe is an everyday occurrence, where bakshish does it's thing and where it's literally impossible to get a decent job without knowing the right people. And by a decent job I mean something you went to school for, have a degree in or, heaven forbid, have an interest in.

No one here seems to do what they want to do or simply do whatever they can in order to survive. People often end up doing jobs they're not trained for, so you have illiterate people making street signboards, tone-deaf people making TV, colour-blind people making videos and what not.

(This is why I think the tax system in Denmark is a good thing. You pay your taxes according to the amount of you income, so in the end everyone does what he's best in and everyone's happy.)

The talented, hard-working people here are usually doing someone else's work, most often during the toughest times, when the bosses usually take a sudden leave of absence and let the others struggle through the piles of crap. No one asks them and they simply do whatever work needs to be done. And this is the problem.

So, I go to the public transportation office today to renew my ticket. Something like a year ago there were finally magnetic cards introduced as a way of settling the whole paper card story. Everyone gets a plastic card which says whether you're a student, unemployed or whatever. The system works like everywhere in the world: if you put some credit on it, it gets deducted from the balance every time you enter a bus or a tram and you validate it. If you're a student, you get free public transportation (you only pay for the card itself), so it only says your ride is validated.

If the company people come to check whether you have a ticket, they have a little gadget which says who the card belongs to, what type it is, how much credit there is on it etc. So, I got mine last year and, since me prolonging it depends on my student rights, I have to confirm that I'm still a student with every passing year.

The system works like everywhere in the world. Unlike here.

I get the paper saying that I'm still a student at my university and go to the ticket-office to fix it up. I figure she'll just read the chip on the card and add another year worth's credit (which is none, since it's government funded) and it's done. So I give her the paper and my card and she asks for my grade book. We have this book where you have all your lessons listed, together with the grades, your rights and all that stuff. So, she has to check that it corresponds the stuff on the paper. Like I could get the paper otherwise.

So, she looks at those two papers for at least four minutes. I'm waiting at the cold and windy side of the window and count six different brands of coffee in the cupboard. Staples are located in a small plastic bowl that you buy cheese in. The creamy one that you put on the bread.

What she should do is check the data, look me in the face to see it's really me, take a sticker with a number, stick it on the paper and write that number in the computer. Not in this world.

She checks the card and the paper and lifts her head towards the monitor. And she's suddenly turner to stone. I start thinking I'm in one of those music videos where everyone's frozen but me and I'm the only one involved in time and the whole story. Or she's seen the terrifying scene from The Ring where that scary girl is crawling out of the TV. So after what feels like three centuries she looks back down to the papers again. Now she has to write the number from the sticker to the paper and confirm it on the computer. It's a five-digit number. Five digits. I see The Cardigans' whole discography in my head while she writes that down with a pen.

But that's not all. She takes out another piece of paper. Something like a small ticket, which belonged to the system that we formerly had. We used to have a plastic film with two separate pockets: one for the plastic card with one's name and photo and another compartment for the monthly ticket that you get, well, every month.

So, she takes out a card and it takes her another light year to write the five-digit number once more. Then she takes out a plastic film with two pockets and by this time there's already seven people lined up behind me. I see the plastic thing and I'm blanking out. I see those little stars and then it all gets dark. But I don't faint. There's a brick wall in front of my face, followed by a jail grid line. Then some barb wire, a five-meter high-voltage fence and a vast swamp behind a Sahara-style desert.

I blink and it's all gone. I come back to reality because the lady is poking me with a bunch of papers through the opening in the glass. I feel like I've been handed a law-office folder that I should do something with, but I have no clue what. So I take the grade book and put it in my backpack, since it's the most valuable thing I have. She took the big paper, but I'm still stuck with a decent-sized library.

My bus had already left the station, so I have to wait almost half an hour for the next one. I dare not look down into my hands again. It's my plastic card, a two-pocket plastic film and a small paper tickets saying it's valid for a year. So what I ended up with was this.

(It's a bit blurry because of the foil.)

An enfoiled magnetic card with a small paper determining its validity.

I mean, does that happen anywhere in the world? Upgrading to nothing and downgrading to the useless? So instead of making a computer program in three hours, they bring back the old paper ticket system that increases everyone's work and expenses.

This is what I meant by planning. Someone in the management must've thought it would be a good idea to finally have the whole thing digitalized. So, you see the stop names and there's a TV person saying the stop names out loud. You click the button, get on to the bus or the tram, bleep your card and that's it. When it's about to expire, you prove your rights, go to the ticket office, bleep it and it's done.

What is this dreamland that I live in?

I put the card in my pocket, get on the bus and stare out of the window.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Next Blog>>

It's not always fun clicking the Next Blog button. But this is.

(I'm also starting to write proper English, with the whole capitalization story and all. Well, unless I low case it all. Then I'll suck at English. And in English.)

scientific pain

it's been a while since i've written anything (about two days or so) and my hands are already shaking. it looks like i'm viable to becoming one of those blog freaks, who update their page every time they wash their hands. well, at least until i become too lazy or simply go berserk and little-red-x-button the whole thing...

today feels like it was a long day. started off so early (in my terms) that i could barely open my eyes in the morning. i literally had to talk myself into cracking my eye lids open, kind of motivation-speech like. you know how people always shoot those fake wake ups in movies and stuff? well, if they starred me, that scene would take up a fifth of the whole thing.

if i ever invest in myself, as in go to a course to upgrade my knowledge, i'd have to find one that'd make me grow on to a normal biorhythm (love the word rhythm, by the way). another thing would possibly be the fast-reading course, which proves to be extremely useful - especially for airheads like me. and third, probably a photography course, being something more usual and, well, normal.

see how i wander off? i was gonna say something about my day and i'm already at a photo course. today was a really weird day at the uni and it seemed like everyone was there. i ran into, met or saw eighteen of my professors (i counted), five good friends and some people i haven't seen in ages. when i was in the library struggling to translate the word liver into lithuanian, there was a tour around the library. twenty or so people being shown the library. in english. out loud. in the library. twenty. library.

that, of course, made everyone loosen up, so you had people chatting, talking on the phone and giggling and within a blink of an eye, i could see it all in my head: a waiter coming by, taking orders and bringing the whole crowd some nice three-colour cocktails with umbrellas; some summery-dressed girls and guys miraculously taking some chairs and sunscreen out of nowhere; shooting the new commercial for t-mobile which say something like the whole world's here for me - and my loved ones or something even cornier, if possible.

note that i'm still sitting in the library (i haven't gone very far physically, right) and i'm still staring at the papers, still not being able to remember the lithuanian word. i know the sanskrit and the latin one, even the greek. and i know what the lithuanian word for heart it, but where has liver gone?

by this time the tour is over, everyone has quieted down and the three-minute interference is more a disappointment now that an actual annoyance. i mean, i do despise loud talkers, really. it must be people who really don't have a bloody feeling in themselves and think they're the only ones. it's a fucking library, for crying out loud. get the fuck out and talk on your fucking phone!

by the way, if there's another tour, i'm so zapping them off and turning them into an amoeba or worse!

(pics obviusly not by me...)

or those people who've obviously imagined that they can whisper really quietly, but in reality you can hear every single one of their fricatives even better than their co-whisperer. and note that i usually have ear phones, through which i can hear the giggles of two sophomores, both with braces and braids (they don't really have braces and braids, but this is how i see them).

anyway, i'm wandering off again. what i wanted to point out is that i have a good feeling about today. it's been long, tiring and filled up like a bosnian paprika, but it felt ok in a way. nothing really special or motivating happened, but at least i got to realize what knowledge i was missing. the exam is coming closer and closer, so i've come up with a plan.

i'm gonna imagine that my uni is my full-time job. so i'm planning to go to the library every day and study for eight hours. that would boil down to let's say six hours of quality studying plus lunch and coffee break. six hours is quite decent if i sit down and actually do some work. weekends will be free and a time to go out a bit, meet up for drinks or go visit some mates.

i'm also planning to take some courses on the side, like the course that'd help me freshen up my memory considering this whole exam. and there's a course about orientalism on tuesdays, which would make a nice (but scientific) break from the all-day nerdiness.

at this pace i should be quite ready for the exam by november 24th. oh, i'm such a pep talker. i'm talking myself into making myself move my ass. nice. really motivating. but anyway, i hope it will work - it has to. so i'm posting this, getting another snack and i'm preparing the stuff for tomorrow.

another glorious day, as dexter would say. i'm beginning to resemble him in fact, with the specs and all. i might as well get a briefcase then, but that's just look ridiculous. so i hope there's no dee dees tomorrow and the day goes by completely filled with science and knowledge. and a coffee. and some lunch.

so, day zero over. now let's treat ourselves...

Bliss by adhamshaikh

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

red morning

ok, so this is a song very special to me in a very special way. i remember staring at this video so many times again and again, not being able to quite figure out whether i should be listening to the music, her voice or just looking at the video. it was completely mesmerising and i just found something in it, i guess.

in the end i saw the band on their concert in zagreb and it felt quite the same. i don't even think they played this song, but it seems like i didn't hear anything else anyway. a band so immensely weird that you feel like someone went poking inside your brain and made you forget the whole thing afterwards. they played some of the slowest songs i've ever heard in my entire life - it literally felt like eight beats per minute or so.

the day after the concert i was sitting on a terrace in a bar in the city center with some friends and noticed the guys from the band passing by. they saw me, stopped by the table, said hi, asked how i was doing, told me to enjoy my day and went off waving. such simple people.

i don't even know what i wanted to write here, but in any case, it's a band that sliced completely into my brain. so this track just popped into my head today, which naturally caused a mental avalanche in my head. most people have a song that's really making them happy, or remember nice times, remind them of a nice event or a dear friend or something.

in my case, it makes me remember myself in the worst possible edition. and i wouldn't want to mention other people involved in this situation, since it doesn't matter anyway. it just reminds me of how stupid i am sometimes and how easily influenced i can get sometimes. maybe that's why i'm so cautious, worried and fucked now, but i hope i've learned what had to be learned.

and i'm sorry.

i can oh so clearly understand people who say they can't let go. i can't either. i know it's stupid, i know it's pointless and it's not helping anyone. call it loving to live in pain or whatever, but i think some things are worth holding on to. even if it's the things that tell you what an idiot you are, i don't mind holding on to them. at least they keep me down to the ground.

it's very easy - the easiest, in fact - to fuck up, turn around and go away. it's easy to delete someone's phone number, ban an email address or avoid someone so that one crosses the street when in danger. it's never been easy for me to be on either side. i'm usually the one who wants to get stuff sorted out and usually the one being screwed over.

to be honest, i can't really comprehend what lies inside people's head that makes them act the way they do sometimes. i refused to believe that people are mean by nature and now i'm seriously questioning whether i've been wrong that whole time. are there nice people, good people? are we doomed to dwell in loneliness? do we know anyone who hasn't hurt us at least once? is it them or is it us?

i just have a lousy time seeing nice people being miserable. the thing is i don't know how to balance it out and usually end up on the non-cheese side of the sandwich. i don't know if i'm so sensible and easily affected or i just have this urge (as someone i know calls it, the mother-theresa syndrome) to help people out.

on the other hand, i've been told by people that they can't stand seeing me miserable, which is when i started to look at things from the other angle as well. i know how pointless it is in my case, so i kinda have a better understanding of what people must feel like - and why they push people aside.

so, why do i have this mechanism in my head that keeps me grinding? if i see someone's in trouble or stuck in a bad company or has some problems, i'd wanna talk to them (or at least listen) and try to help out if i can. by someone i mean someone dear to me, since it's hard to notice the symptoms otherwise anyway. but, when the bond gets broken, it can hardly get fixed again.

so, if i keep being ran away from, lied to and strategically manipulated and screwed in the head with, why is it so hard for me to say 'enough'!? i say 'ok, it's in their head, they're wrecking their life, it's their problem', but my gut is telling me otherwise. everyone i talk to must think i'm a complete masochistic lunatic (and, from the evidence above, i might as well be), but i just can't get it out of my head.

maybe i fucked something up. maybe i said something wrong. yeah, it must be when i said this and that. aah yeah, it's probably when i said i couldn't come, yeah. or maybe when i made that joke - maybe it was a bit overboard. maybe i was just too pushy. but they said i wasn't. they said i was completely tolerant and supportive. yeah. they're lying. they're lying to my face. that makes it all nicer, doesn't it. so now i'm being made a fool by the same people that i wanna give a helping hand to. nice. people suck.

and the idiot still gives a fuck.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

photo fun.

i've been playing a bit and here's the result.

Okić, outside Zagreb, Croatia

A view of Zagreb from Medvednica, the mountain north of the city
Note: please click the photos for better quality.

Friday, October 22, 2010

three heel kicks.

i've trained my brain not to think about travelling, since it'd only bring me sorrow, pain, memories and anguish. but maybe if i start building up some plans in my head, there could possibly be a positive thought towards the whole thing, so i could take a shot and try to go away from here further than ten kilometres. you can already notice the positiveness, no? :b

so, i'm supposed to go to kranj, slovenia for a party in about two weeks and then to ljubljana, slovenia at the beginning of december for the long awaited
niyaz concert. if you have any likings for some traditional, vocal, ethnic and eastern sound - you'll love this!

and then... i'm hopefully gonna manage to go visit my mate ante who's moved to klagenfurt, austria. and yes, we do say kleygh'nfart instead, no worries - not too much though, or he'd blab it out at work one day... :b

and then... oz. anna's wedding, stars falling from the sky, the world spinning in the opposite direction... it's still to soon to say anything, but it's also too soon not to start planning it already. i won't go on rambling about the whole professional and financial situation at all, so i'll just leave it at that.

then, depending on the money (of which i have none, but will have to get a loan from the bank for the next twenty years in order to go to australia), i'd like to head off to helsinki, finland to visit nixa and tiitus, who've moved there for a year or so, which would be a perfect opportunity to stay in suomi longer than seven minutes (like the last time).

and after that, who knows. it's just too far away... bulgaria, romania, france, australia, india, japan...?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


a rant about the new styles of music being disguised under old quality names and served to thousands of weekend festival goers (and handfuls of pissed off individuals) or how the sexy sneaked in...

as usual, i went astray from the general idea -which seems to be happening most of the time in my case - but here goes...

i was listening to a new album by a dub band i've been familiar with for a while now and i have to say i'm really disappointed by it. names don't matter anyway (it's high tone), but i just can't not rant about what's been going on lately.

for starters, i have to say that i'm quite passionate about music. i've been hooked on it since before i could breathe due to the constant exposure to my older brother's musical expressions. that kinda built me up to be the person who i am today, i guess - musically, of course. i tend to be quite critical about the music i hear and i really only listen to the stuff that i really like. i'm not the type who listens to whatever's been randomized in the player in any case. it can be randomized, but it's all strategically selected.

i just think there's a lot of good music out there that deserves, rather then listening to the same stuff all the time. naturally, one prefers certain genres and therefore focuses on them, which can, to be honest, be quite time consuming and somewhat bordering with a kind of an obligation. of course, no one likes that, so i tent to turn it all into fun, enjoyment and a true experience of music.

now, mind that there are different artists, of course. some tend to so-to-say manufacture the music, while others seem to place every sound with microscopical precision. on the other hand, there are also different types of listeners who, naturally, appreciate the music they're listening to in various ways. i wouldn't really try defining my taste, but i have (under specific circumstances like working with a lot of people, playing occasional selections aso.) been forced to be quite selective about what i'm listening to exactly. there is the difference between a bulk-production music and a track i can say i don't quite like, but is made really good (so it's purely about the taste).

and now comes the tricky part: the music that i listen at home is not much different from the stuff i'd be playing in a set, but i surely do make a difference. (note that this difference is nothing that i could point out specifically - it's just my all-day-round mind-crunching thoughts coming out.) so, naturally, it's boiled down to me piling up tons of good old music, which is enqueued in my player quite often. surely enough, you can't play the same music all the time, so you go through new releases in order to find something that suits you.

now, there's my problem. and thank goodness, it's only taken me a page to get to it. :b it rarely happens that i listen to something and instantly like it - it's more often me listening to something and, if i don't seem to like it at once, give it a second chance perhaps. third chances are very rare and the growing on even rarer. i tend to give a chance to a project i liked before, as if i'm hoping that i'll like it after listening to it for a sufficient amount of times. that, for example, happened with the latest shpongle album, which never really grew on to me. as much as i completely dislike it and feel absolutely nothing when i listen to it, it's still on the hard drive though (i usually just press the delete button), so i might give it a fifth chance someday, hehe...

it often happens that the projects that we used to listen to before simply change their style and create different kinds of music. i completely understand that, since i can notice how i change myself, but i still think i have the right to dislike it. some people change projects (get new names) along with the moods, tastes and creativeness, which i find totally fair. one knows who's behind the project anyway and can simply expect the difference in the sound. that's why there are ever more and more (not only bad but) lousy sets (or even worse, live sets) at festivals. It must seem cool or something to invite people who've made a trance album like fifteen years ago and they're well known. i mean, that's quite harsh on the artists themselves as well - imagine fancying a completely different kind of music and having to play a set of music that you've created ten years ago. i think the new fans would be quite disappointed listening to some old stuff they've never heard while they came to, let's say, hear the latest album.

well, it works both ways. i come to a festival to listen to a project that i've known for years and all i hear is some conveyor-belt mtv-style sexy-house music or something that has even less to do with the artist. i've basically gotten used to it and i just go and see the stuff which i'd like to hear - or i go and listen to someone i've never heard before, since projects like those tend to be much better than the famous-name ones.

there's a saying in croatia (dok mačke nema, miševi kolo vode) which says that while the cat is absent, the mice (lead the) dance. i have a feeling that's exactly what's happened to the electronic scene. trance doesn't sound as trance anymore, but minimal house; chill is not chill, but buddha-bar lounge music; dub is not dub anymore, but dubstep... i reckon i should be the one who should just get used to the constant changing, but i'd somehow rather stick to the old music that i like (and the occasional good stuff that i run into) than go mainstream (which, by the way, seems to be mush easier).

i've had my share of minimal, industrial and lounge already - but ten years ago. i refuse to see anything revolutionary and innovative in old music that is being remixed by twenty-five-year-old engineering students. give me some new music, so i can at least say i like it or dislike it, but releasing an album full of remixes is plainly boring to me.

years ago i saw people rant about what i'm ranting about now - people who've since then simply taken the low road. and now i'm ranting about what they're doing and what they've become. dubstep high tone, almost-trance like chill music and prometheus that has more to do with brighton beach bars than trance... is that what we've come down to?! i'll listen to it, i'll dislike it and i'll toss it. it can be the best engineering and mastering quality in the world, but if it's not suiting one, it's understandable to let it go.

so, why do people tend to lead these ever-lasting discussions about which music is fantastic and which is even fantasticer? sometimes i think it's best to simply log off and enjoy the music in the privacy of my own four walls - but why should i do that?! i like going out, i like outdoor parties and week-long festivals and i pay my entrance same as everyone else. but why am i suddenly being fed awful, cheap and just-stack-it-up music? is it another battle that resembles david and goliath? i don't expect the time to reverse itself, but i sure as hell think i deserve some quality music when i expect it!

music makes the people come together? i don't think so...

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane
by those who
could not hear the music.
Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Welcome, Cass - the first follower of this so-called blog... :b

Here's a nice track for you to enjoy - I've ran into it again and got reminded of how beautiful it is...

Master Margherita & Atriohm - Deepchandi by master margherita

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Ministry is back On Air

Our beloved and widely-listened radio show is back on! Around a year has passed since the radio station has pressed the pause button on it due to some difficulties, but it's hopefully all settled now. A bonus to it is the fact that the show has gotten a much more acceptable timing, so now it's airing Sundays evening from 23 to 01 (with a rerun timing yet to be set - but should be later during the night).

Some of the listeners from around the globe (like Anna down in Oz) won't be happy with it, since they'll have to get up a bit earlier to listen to it (hahaha), but it's much nicer and easier for the guys. So, Val, Branko and Ratko, with some occasional guests, will be psychedelying us all up again on the radio waves. Feel free to click the logo below and tune in to The Pretending-To-Be Show about the Trance Culture powered by The Ministry of Psychedelia (site only in Croatian for now) on Radio 101!
Image and video hosting by TinyPic

still awake.

it's funny (or sad) how everything that matters at some point isn't really that important after a while. when i say that, i mostly think about what's around us, what we observe as an important part of ourselves and our lives. sometimes (or maybe often) even too much, making the material the more important. we're so worried about everything that it's way too easy to get lost in it all. i mean, me writing and even thinking about it is pointless anyway, but it hits me ever so often lately. is it a message to me - and who from? from someone else - or from myself? is it a sign that i should change my way of thinking – or a sign that i should stop thinking? maybe thinking about things keeps them here...

Photograph by Cesare Naldi (for NatGeo)

aaand, go!

sooo, another insomnia-filled night, i'm afraid and a rather unproductive one. as if i've done anything useful lately. well, i switched the tv off, maybe that would count. the fact is that i did watch an action film about a black french detective called schneider on a local slovenian tv (go figure), but that's only due to the inactivity of the croatian analogue signal. yes, we're fully in the 21st century, but i still refuse to get a digital receiver. and after i see what's being shown, i think i'll just stick to my computer screen, thankyouverymuch.

i was already supposed to be on the fifteent paragraph of my latest rant by now, but my computer decided to start a disk check. although i unwillingly and with an immense amount of hesitation clicked the yes button, the machinery prevailed and i spent three hours looking at the black screen with tons of little white numbers. well, with one eye anyway, since the other one was following the already-mentioned french crime crap (with slovenian subtitles). by the time the movie finished, the disk check wasn't nearly close to being done, so i watched the slovenian news that handled everything from the recent snowfall in the alps to the local chestnut festival on the border with italy. even that didn't make the computer do its thing faster.

so i called it a night, fuck you!ed the whole technology good night and switched off the light. that's usually when my mind starts running, so i had a stampede of thoughts storm through my mind: some recent dreams (i better not go into details), recent (or better put constant) frustrations, some ideas and plans; or rather lack of good ones and the realization that everything is (still) shit. aaand here starts the proper rant.

i was thinking how i'm gonna make it through the winter. i thought the one after i came back from india would be hell (since i had three summers in a row) and, since the last one was a complete and utter horror, i'm guessing this one will be just peachy. the weather's sucked for weeks now and i'm already drained of all my juice - and they say it's gonna be one one of the harshest winters in the last century. hurrah!

oh, i get tags offered here, just under the text i'm typing: Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall. i see different ones in my head: wet cold feet, hell freezing over, winter. now, i'm not the type that adores the summer, mind me - actually, i'm quite annoyed by it: by the heat, by my nose bleeds, the mosquitoes, public transportation and all kinds of things. but when i simply have this feeling in my gut (which i learned to trust), i'm starting to panic a bit. maybe it's because i just don't see anything in front of me, prospect wise. i just see two greek-myth-style huge monster exams in front of me, plus a half-human son of theirs who they happen to call the thesis. behind them is a gigantic meadow of unemployment, then the mountain range of no future and behind that is a mordor-like scene of the world ending in 2012. all that time left for me to do everything i've ever wanted...

oh, and my specs are smudged with stains from all the fucken mosquitoes that, by the wonderful gift of nature, still fly around while we humans are freezing our asses off. yes, i'm pissed off. i was gonna light a cigarette (since i started smoking again), but i'm just thinking how it will all smell tomorrow and how i'll regret it when i wake up tomorrow and start coughing my soul up. don't get fooled though - i will light it. let me just wrap a dozen blankets around me and dare to open the window. gah!

i went to my folks' weekend house yesterday, to get bitten by mosquitoes, cut three trees down and earn some pain in my muscles as a buddhism-style reward for doing so - and that's the most i've achieved in the last couple of weeks. i might rant some more, but i doubt that’d be a useful addition to the nothingness that i’m going on about.

that could probably be one of the reasons i can’t really get any decent sleep; they’re either interrupted by obligations, tasks, missions, loud neighbours (or their even louder mutt), thunders or some insane dreams i’d rather get out of my head. i reckon another session of exercise and mad running around the area could be in order and should do the trick - land me into bed before i even manage to close my eyes.

ah well, this rant seems to have lost its spirit and all that i had planned out in my head had obviously evaporated by the time all the computer stuff was finished. i’ve even written something about hating the fact that i have it all in my head at the moment when i don’t have anything to write it on; it happened to me in india a lot, so that’s probably when i had those thoughts

right now i’m hearing that i’m not the only one writing this insane middle-of-the-night rants, so that should give me a pinch of hope, right? so, tomorrow (or better said today, since it’s 04.16) is the day! the day i do something with myself... that usually starts with cleaning, planning, panicking and getting depressed, so let’s postpone the day! till tuesday, shall we?


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