Tuesday, October 26, 2010

red morning

ok, so this is a song very special to me in a very special way. i remember staring at this video so many times again and again, not being able to quite figure out whether i should be listening to the music, her voice or just looking at the video. it was completely mesmerising and i just found something in it, i guess.

in the end i saw the band on their concert in zagreb and it felt quite the same. i don't even think they played this song, but it seems like i didn't hear anything else anyway. a band so immensely weird that you feel like someone went poking inside your brain and made you forget the whole thing afterwards. they played some of the slowest songs i've ever heard in my entire life - it literally felt like eight beats per minute or so.

the day after the concert i was sitting on a terrace in a bar in the city center with some friends and noticed the guys from the band passing by. they saw me, stopped by the table, said hi, asked how i was doing, told me to enjoy my day and went off waving. such simple people.

i don't even know what i wanted to write here, but in any case, it's a band that sliced completely into my brain. so this track just popped into my head today, which naturally caused a mental avalanche in my head. most people have a song that's really making them happy, or remember nice times, remind them of a nice event or a dear friend or something.

in my case, it makes me remember myself in the worst possible edition. and i wouldn't want to mention other people involved in this situation, since it doesn't matter anyway. it just reminds me of how stupid i am sometimes and how easily influenced i can get sometimes. maybe that's why i'm so cautious, worried and fucked now, but i hope i've learned what had to be learned.

and i'm sorry.

i can oh so clearly understand people who say they can't let go. i can't either. i know it's stupid, i know it's pointless and it's not helping anyone. call it loving to live in pain or whatever, but i think some things are worth holding on to. even if it's the things that tell you what an idiot you are, i don't mind holding on to them. at least they keep me down to the ground.

it's very easy - the easiest, in fact - to fuck up, turn around and go away. it's easy to delete someone's phone number, ban an email address or avoid someone so that one crosses the street when in danger. it's never been easy for me to be on either side. i'm usually the one who wants to get stuff sorted out and usually the one being screwed over.

to be honest, i can't really comprehend what lies inside people's head that makes them act the way they do sometimes. i refused to believe that people are mean by nature and now i'm seriously questioning whether i've been wrong that whole time. are there nice people, good people? are we doomed to dwell in loneliness? do we know anyone who hasn't hurt us at least once? is it them or is it us?

i just have a lousy time seeing nice people being miserable. the thing is i don't know how to balance it out and usually end up on the non-cheese side of the sandwich. i don't know if i'm so sensible and easily affected or i just have this urge (as someone i know calls it, the mother-theresa syndrome) to help people out.

on the other hand, i've been told by people that they can't stand seeing me miserable, which is when i started to look at things from the other angle as well. i know how pointless it is in my case, so i kinda have a better understanding of what people must feel like - and why they push people aside.

so, why do i have this mechanism in my head that keeps me grinding? if i see someone's in trouble or stuck in a bad company or has some problems, i'd wanna talk to them (or at least listen) and try to help out if i can. by someone i mean someone dear to me, since it's hard to notice the symptoms otherwise anyway. but, when the bond gets broken, it can hardly get fixed again.

so, if i keep being ran away from, lied to and strategically manipulated and screwed in the head with, why is it so hard for me to say 'enough'!? i say 'ok, it's in their head, they're wrecking their life, it's their problem', but my gut is telling me otherwise. everyone i talk to must think i'm a complete masochistic lunatic (and, from the evidence above, i might as well be), but i just can't get it out of my head.

maybe i fucked something up. maybe i said something wrong. yeah, it must be when i said this and that. aah yeah, it's probably when i said i couldn't come, yeah. or maybe when i made that joke - maybe it was a bit overboard. maybe i was just too pushy. but they said i wasn't. they said i was completely tolerant and supportive. yeah. they're lying. they're lying to my face. that makes it all nicer, doesn't it. so now i'm being made a fool by the same people that i wanna give a helping hand to. nice. people suck.

and the idiot still gives a fuck.

1 comment:

  1. Lets Let it Go!
    There are people who can walk away from you.

    And hear me when I tell you this!
    When people can walk away from you:
    let them walk.

    I don't want you to try
    to talk another person into staying with you,
    loving you,
    calling you,
    caring about you,
    coming to see you,
    staying attached to you.

    When people can walk away from you let them walk.
    Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

    People leave you because they are not joined to you.
    And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
    Let them go.

    And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just
    means that their part in the story is over.

    And you've got to know when people's part
    in your story is over
    so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

    You've got to know when it's dead.

    You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.
    I've got the gift of good-bye.
    It's the tenth spiritual gift,
    I believe in good-bye.

    It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
    and I know whatever God means for me
    to have He'll give it to And if it takes too much
    sweat I don't need it.

    Stop begging people to stay.

    Let them go!!

    If you are holding on to something
    that doesn't belong to you
    and was never intended for your life,
    then you need to......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....
    LET IT GO!!!

    If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and
    see your worth.....
    LET IT GO!!!

    If someone has angered you ........
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .

    LET IT GO!!!

    If you have a bad attitude.......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to
    a new level in Him......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try
    to help themselves......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......
    LET IT GO!!!

    If there is a particular situation that you are so
    used to handling yourself
    and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"
    then you need to......
    LET IT GO!!!

    Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.




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