i was already supposed to be on the fifteent paragraph of my latest rant by now, but my computer decided to start a disk check. although i unwillingly and with an immense amount of hesitation clicked the yes button, the machinery prevailed and i spent three hours looking at the black screen with tons of little white numbers. well, with one eye anyway, since the other one was following the already-mentioned french crime crap (with slovenian subtitles). by the time the movie finished, the disk check wasn't nearly close to being done, so i watched the slovenian news that handled everything from the recent snowfall in the alps to the local chestnut festival on the border with italy. even that didn't make the computer do its thing faster.
so i called it a night, fuck you!ed the whole technology good night and switched off the light. that's usually when my mind starts running, so i had a stampede of thoughts storm through my mind: some recent dreams (i better not go into details), recent (or better put constant) frustrations, some ideas and plans; or rather lack of good ones and the realization that everything is (still) shit. aaand here starts the proper rant.
i was thinking how i'm gonna make it through the winter. i thought the one after i came back from india would be hell (since i had three summers in a row) and, since the last one was a complete and utter horror, i'm guessing this one will be just peachy. the weather's sucked for weeks now and i'm already drained of all my juice - and they say it's gonna be one one of the harshest winters in the last century. hurrah!
oh, i get tags offered here, just under the text i'm typing: Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall. i see different ones in my head: wet cold feet, hell freezing over, winter. now, i'm not the type that adores the summer, mind me - actually, i'm quite annoyed by it: by the heat, by my nose bleeds, the mosquitoes, public transportation and all kinds of things. but when i simply have this feeling in my gut (which i learned to trust), i'm starting to panic a bit. maybe it's because i just don't see anything in front of me, prospect wise. i just see two greek-myth-style huge monster exams in front of me, plus a half-human son of theirs who they happen to call the thesis. behind them is a gigantic meadow of unemployment, then the mountain range of no future and behind that is a mordor-like scene of the world ending in 2012. all that time left for me to do everything i've ever wanted...
oh, and my specs are smudged with stains from all the fucken mosquitoes that, by the wonderful gift of nature, still fly around while we humans are freezing our asses off. yes, i'm pissed off. i was gonna light a cigarette (since i started smoking again), but i'm just thinking how it will all smell tomorrow and how i'll regret it when i wake up tomorrow and start coughing my soul up. don't get fooled though - i will light it. let me just wrap a dozen blankets around me and dare to open the window. gah!
i went to my folks' weekend house yesterday, to get bitten by mosquitoes, cut three trees down and earn some pain in my muscles as a buddhism-style reward for doing so - and that's the most i've achieved in the last couple of weeks. i might rant some more, but i doubt that’d be a useful addition to the nothingness that i’m going on about.
that could probably be one of the reasons i can’t really get any decent sleep; they’re either interrupted by obligations, tasks, missions, loud neighbours (or their even louder mutt), thunders or some insane dreams i’d rather get out of my head. i reckon another session of exercise and mad running around the area could be in order and should do the trick - land me into bed before i even manage to close my eyes.
ah well, this rant seems to have lost its spirit and all that i had planned out in my head had obviously evaporated by the time all the computer stuff was finished. i’ve even written something about hating the fact that i have it all in my head at the moment when i don’t have anything to write it on; it happened to me in india a lot, so that’s probably when i had those thoughts
right now i’m hearing that i’m not the only one writing this insane middle-of-the-night rants, so that should give me a pinch of hope, right? so, tomorrow (or better said today, since it’s 04.16) is the day! the day i do something with myself... that usually starts with cleaning, planning, panicking and getting depressed, so let’s postpone the day! till tuesday, shall we?