Friday, October 23, 2009


Uttaranchal, 2008

Whatever I see, whatever I hear, whatever catches my attention at this moment – it reminds me of something else. Maybe I'm just in that phase, but the smallest things seem to pinch me and bring me back to the real world, where the tiniest issues feel like dinosaur-sized thorns in... wherever's worse than the eye. It's actually so easy to lose focus – and that's what comes back and gives me a bitch slap every single time – lately, from what it seems, on a daily basis. I don't know if it's a sign of awareness forgetfulness, of ignoring reality or accepting it, of hoping for the better or accepting the fact that life in the end is a pile of crap. Not very soothing, I know. There are, of course, some nice moments in life, but very few seem to outlive the dark clouds over us. Considering the fact that I am by nature a rather dark person, I just consider them fun times among the numerous bad ones and not the other way around.

So, I was in my bathroom a while ago brushing my teeth and – I have to admit that I get most of my ideas in there (so imagine the trouble I get at university) – I came to some realizations. I can't remember all of them and they don't make much sense now as they did in between those ceramic tiles in there, but I'm hoping they'll come back as I'm writing these lines. They weren't meant to go under Living, but after a while I thought they might as well... It just hit me that (aah, now I remember!) life has boiled down to such a damn routine. And what I've heard people say quite often is that they despise routine. Sometimes I get these flashes of people very dear to me (often in a quite painful way) saying something that didn't make much sense back at the time – but rethinking them seems to make them even more powerful. Therefore the routine thought... I don't know. The way I brush my teeth just seemed so dull. The way that I wipe my hands dry is always the same. Is the way I do everything as boring as that? Is everything lacking enthusiasm? Is everything meant to be that way? I surely hope not.

I used to care about that a lot, but I guess that it – as everything else – became just another repetitive habit. I hate habits. They show us how non-inspired we are. I used to take walks, go to the park every evening, have a cigarette before bed – as a habit, but also as something that used to help me calm down, gather my thoughts and prepare for the night. I miss that now. Yeah, and I quit smoking – which is supposed to be good – but I lost that how-do-I-call-it encouraging buff: tomorrow's gonna be fine. And as hard as it was, it was much easier than now. Well, maybe it's the fact that those days are behind me, so I don't have to worry about them now (since new ones are stacking up without a problem), but I noticed my attitude has changed. Or is it me? Now I'm only thinking about how early I have to get up, how stiff the air in my flat is, how dark it's getting and how much darker it's only gonna get when they switch the clock. Where are the days when I used to go to bed and look forward to tomorrow? I'm trying to remember when's the last time that I woke up with a smile on my face. It seems to be ages ago and on a different continent... Damn, this is depressing.

I went to a concert last week – just to spite the routine. I went to an exhibition the day after, for the same reason. I was joking that the next week can't pass without an opera or something. But now that I think of it, what have the Royal Orchestra and all those light installations showed me? That I just don't enjoy it as much as I did before. I'm thinking about different things now and although I'd like to enjoy all that stuff, it looks like I'm just focused on other pointless issues that are draining all the joy out of me and are surely about to give me an ulcer. But, can I help it? No. I'm not going to force stuff on myself – although maybe I should. I was thinking that I could forget about all the ridiculous things that are happening now by remembering and practising those that I used to enjoy before. It ended up being like a dish that you're using the right recipe for, but with five-year-old ingredients. Hell, even my initial thought has turned into a reality-awareness lesson, which is not what I had in mind at first.

My point is simply this: do the things you like doing. You obviously like them for a reason. But please don't make them a boring routine! Change the order you do things: look out the window first and then go to the bathroom, stretch out a bit before going to bed, smile at your own reflection in the mirror, do random things differently (it's said to improve your memory) and fuck, have the courage to change the direction of your tooth brush strokes (according to what the dentist says, of course)!

I defy all that is usual! I'll go for a walk in the middle of the night - when it's the coldest, I'll get out of the library and ring a dear friend when I'm the busiest and I will pick out the hardest errand as my first task! Don't let the paranoia prevent you from enjoying life. I'll think of the shittiest memories and the darkest days and turn them into the best things that happened to me! That'll teach me to shut the fuck up and remind myself that I'm no the only one out there, that there's people who are in deeper shit and that there might as well be a ray of sunshine after the whole forsaken storm.

I honestly didn't mean this to sound like a dear-diary entry. I had a really bright moment there in the bathroom and I felt like it all makes perfect sense and it's all happening for a reason. My point was simply this: take it as it comes. It may be shitty, but it might as well be just fine. If it's bad - deal with it, if it's shitty – learn from it, if it's hopeless – grow from it and if it's good – cherish it. I came to realize (again) that life passes while we're being idiots. Cherish!

All the smiles, jokes and glances, the thoughts that've been read, hopes put up, spirits lifted, laughs uncontrolled, moments expected, senses enhanced, conversations expected and life embraced – oh, how I miss you.

Now I'm just as lost as before. Maybe I should go back to my bathroom...

(Also posted on - check it out!)


  1. i go online every day just about and check different websites inthe same order just about every day. havent been on here for ages... saw it on the dropdown menu, so clicked here first before facebook etc. and look what i found! sometimes it is good to mix up the routine :)
    - a

  2. hehe, there you go - mission accomplished! ;D



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