red morning

ok, so this is a song very special to me in a very special way. i remember staring at this video so many times again and again, not being able to quite figure out whether i should be listening to the music, her voice or just looking at the video. it was completely mesmerising and i just found something in it, i guess.

in the end i saw the band on their concert in zagreb and it felt quite the same. i don't even think they played this song, but it seems like i didn't hear anything else anyway. a band so immensely weird that you feel like someone went poking inside your brain and made you forget the whole thing afterwards. they played some of the slowest songs i've ever heard in my entire life - it literally felt like eight beats per minute or so.

the day after the concert i was sitting on a terrace in a bar in the city center with some friends and noticed the guys from the band passing by. they saw me, stopped by the table, said hi, asked how i was doing, told me to enjoy my day and went off waving. such simple people.

i don't even know what i wanted to write here, but in any case, it's a band that sliced completely into my brain. so this track just popped into my head today, which naturally caused a mental avalanche in my head. most people have a song that's really making them happy, or remember nice times, remind them of a nice event or a dear friend or something.

in my case, it makes me remember myself in the worst possible edition. and i wouldn't want to mention other people involved in this situation, since it doesn't matter anyway. it just reminds me of how stupid i am sometimes and how easily influenced i can get sometimes. maybe that's why i'm so cautious, worried and fucked now, but i hope i've learned what had to be learned.

and i'm sorry.

i can oh so clearly understand people who say they can't let go. i can't either. i know it's stupid, i know it's pointless and it's not helping anyone. call it loving to live in pain or whatever, but i think some things are worth holding on to. even if it's the things that tell you what an idiot you are, i don't mind holding on to them. at least they keep me down to the ground.

it's very easy - the easiest, in fact - to fuck up, turn around and go away. it's easy to delete someone's phone number, ban an email address or avoid someone so that one crosses the street when in danger. it's never been easy for me to be on either side. i'm usually the one who wants to get stuff sorted out and usually the one being screwed over.

to be honest, i can't really comprehend what lies inside people's head that makes them act the way they do sometimes. i refused to believe that people are mean by nature and now i'm seriously questioning whether i've been wrong that whole time. are there nice people, good people? are we doomed to dwell in loneliness? do we know anyone who hasn't hurt us at least once? is it them or is it us?

i just have a lousy time seeing nice people being miserable. the thing is i don't know how to balance it out and usually end up on the non-cheese side of the sandwich. i don't know if i'm so sensible and easily affected or i just have this urge (as someone i know calls it, the mother-theresa syndrome) to help people out.

on the other hand, i've been told by people that they can't stand seeing me miserable, which is when i started to look at things from the other angle as well. i know how pointless it is in my case, so i kinda have a better understanding of what people must feel like - and why they push people aside.

so, why do i have this mechanism in my head that keeps me grinding? if i see someone's in trouble or stuck in a bad company or has some problems, i'd wanna talk to them (or at least listen) and try to help out if i can. by someone i mean someone dear to me, since it's hard to notice the symptoms otherwise anyway. but, when the bond gets broken, it can hardly get fixed again.

so, if i keep being ran away from, lied to and strategically manipulated and screwed in the head with, why is it so hard for me to say 'enough'!? i say 'ok, it's in their head, they're wrecking their life, it's their problem', but my gut is telling me otherwise. everyone i talk to must think i'm a complete masochistic lunatic (and, from the evidence above, i might as well be), but i just can't get it out of my head.

maybe i fucked something up. maybe i said something wrong. yeah, it must be when i said this and that. aah yeah, it's probably when i said i couldn't come, yeah. or maybe when i made that joke - maybe it was a bit overboard. maybe i was just too pushy. but they said i wasn't. they said i was completely tolerant and supportive. yeah. they're lying. they're lying to my face. that makes it all nicer, doesn't it. so now i'm being made a fool by the same people that i wanna give a helping hand to. nice. people suck.

and the idiot still gives a fuck.