Bihevioral existence

Once again I'm thinking about something I often find myself thinking about. About the fact that everyone's been talking about some big changes. Twenty-twelve and all that stuff. It won't be an apocalypse, but it'll be an immense switch in the collective consciousness. Well, at least I think so.

I'm not so much into conspiracies and theories thereof, so I can't say for sure. I didn't even read that much about it. The most I've done is talked to some friends about it over tea. But that kept me thinking.

Maybe it will be a big change that will, during a longer course of time, change the world as we know it. The same way fire did. The same way industrialization has. Electricity, Internet, whatever.

But then I started thinking about what it will mean to individuals. How will I change?

I'm a quite bitter person, if you haven't noticed. I'm bothered with a lot of stuff and I'll rant about whatever I can. People, naturally, don't like that. Well, some don't, in any case. I reckon people want to let go and unwind for a bit. There's a nice Croatian phrase that pictures it as letting the brain out into the pasture.

I wish I could do that. I wish there was an on-off button. I've always wanted that. Either that or a third arm.

I digress.

People have told me often that I have to relax. Let it go. There's nothing to do. Chill out.

But what does that mean? Let go of what? Of myself and who I consider myself to be? Won't that make someone else then?

I bet if I was all peachy and grinning, people would think I'm on some experimental stuff. Would that be me? Can you tell someone who's utterly and disgustingly happy all the time to bring it down a notch, get serious and land down to Earth already? How would that make them feel?

So, I'm looking towards the end of the world. Well, my world at least. And what? Am I supposed to forget who I am and just act like I'm someone else, only to make some people feel better? Better about who? About myself or about themselves?

If I want to change the way I act, I must first change the way I think. If I change the way I think, would that be me? Cogito ergo sum comes to mind.

If I change myself for others' sake, am I working on myself or am I doing the exact opposite – working hard on losing myself?

Mad and excited

I'm both mad and excited.

Mad with what's been going on here and what we're going to be facing in the near future. It doesn't seem as bright as one would hope for. The global situation is as it is, worse in some parts and better in some parts. Naturally, we consider the areas which are closest to ours and we try to follow the events as much as possible.

But when the only thing being spoken about is the crisis, the lack of finances and opportunities, the dim future, prices going up and pay checks going down, working era prolonged to seventy-five and so on, what is one supposed to think? What should one hope for and aspire to?

I look at my parents, both retired and struggling and I know they're hating it all. I look at my brother, head of sales in a big firm here, with a decent pay check and his own house, a wife who's also working and three kids, and he's still struggling. So, what am I supposed to do? Almost living, living in a place owned by my parents, with no work or any potential openings in the near future...

Am I supposed to work in a store for the rest of my life? Did I struggle to get my Master's degrees for this? For staying at home, sending twenty job applications per day and hoping for the best?

Fuck that!

I'm going to swim across the sea if I have to, but I'm not staying here. I'm not giving another coin to these bastards here. Robbing their own people off their money, losing the elections and still robbing people. Until there's a situation like the one in Greece around here as well, we can only bend over and wait for another bump down the stairwell.

Taxes up to 25%, pay check going down, more and more retired people. Now that there's a lack of work force, even the employers who can afford to hire someone are going to expect a lot more money in the envelope that you bring to the interview. I mean, is this the world we're supposed to live in? Seriously?!

I'm not as brave as I'd like to be, but I'd stand up for a cause. If it's going to take these fuckers down, I'm up for it. But the thing is there's no guarantee that the ones after them won't be the same. It seems that this society is living by the get-what-you-can-while-you-can rule, filling their pockets while the power is on their side. It somehow reminds me of a scene in a movie.

And finally, I'm excited. Excited to new opportunities, as few as there are. I hope I'll be able to change my life, to get out of this misery, to budge and to make a difference. If nothing, at least for myself, in my head, for my family. After all, isn't that what we're all aiming for?

So, keep your fingers crossed...

Nothing is constant except change.

I've always liked that part of The Lord of the Rings where the Lady of the Woods (whose real name I can't recall at the moment - oh, it's Galadriel, as Google says) speaks:


The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air.
Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.


Both scary and epic, it's made me hit the pause button and ponder upon it so many times. It's fiction (or maybe not), but it has so much in common with 'the real world'. How much of it is true, how much of it can be related to our own lives, history, civilization, future?


Will we remember yesterday the day after tomorrow? Will anyone? Is there a point to it? Many say it's important to remember where we came from and what we're part of. Sometimes I wonder why...


Do I really want to get stuck (both physically and mentally) in this environment I don't really like? Where I have to look for bright spots in order to get up every day. Where one has to cross the street to avoid potential conflict and choose the path one takes in order to save oneself some nerves. Is that life?


I'm not sure it's much better elsewhere, but I surely am up for a bit of change. Some get lulled into the feeling of coziness, safety and togetherness - those are the ones who will get  run over by the changing world. Or not touched by it at all. There are others who get run over by the feelings the others cherish. Sometimes even choked by them. By the society, by norms, rules and regulations, by the daily dullness, public transportation and queuing wherever you turn.


Who am I to say what or who is wrong? But who are the others to say I'm wrong?

Here the little, naïve me, ages ago...