Cherish...

Uttaranchal, 2008

Whatever I see, whatever I hear, whatever catches my attention at this moment – it reminds me of something else. Maybe I'm just in that phase, but the smallest things seem to pinch me and bring me back to the real world, where the tiniest issues feel like dinosaur-sized thorns in... wherever's worse than the eye. It's actually so easy to lose focus – and that's what comes back and gives me a bitch slap every single time – lately, from what it seems, on a daily basis. I don't know if it's a sign of awareness forgetfulness, of ignoring reality or accepting it, of hoping for the better or accepting the fact that life in the end is a pile of crap. Not very soothing, I know. There are, of course, some nice moments in life, but very few seem to outlive the dark clouds over us. Considering the fact that I am by nature a rather dark person, I just consider them fun times among the numerous bad ones and not the other way around.

So, I was in my bathroom a while ago brushing my teeth and – I have to admit that I get most of my ideas in there (so imagine the trouble I get at university) – I came to some realizations. I can't remember all of them and they don't make much sense now as they did in between those ceramic tiles in there, but I'm hoping they'll come back as I'm writing these lines. They weren't meant to go under Living, but after a while I thought they might as well... It just hit me that (aah, now I remember!) life has boiled down to such a damn routine. And what I've heard people say quite often is that they despise routine. Sometimes I get these flashes of people very dear to me (often in a quite painful way) saying something that didn't make much sense back at the time – but rethinking them seems to make them even more powerful. Therefore the routine thought... I don't know. The way I brush my teeth just seemed so dull. The way that I wipe my hands dry is always the same. Is the way I do everything as boring as that? Is everything lacking enthusiasm? Is everything meant to be that way? I surely hope not.

I used to care about that a lot, but I guess that it – as everything else – became just another repetitive habit. I hate habits. They show us how non-inspired we are. I used to take walks, go to the park every evening, have a cigarette before bed – as a habit, but also as something that used to help me calm down, gather my thoughts and prepare for the night. I miss that now. Yeah, and I quit smoking – which is supposed to be good – but I lost that how-do-I-call-it encouraging buff: tomorrow's gonna be fine. And as hard as it was, it was much easier than now. Well, maybe it's the fact that those days are behind me, so I don't have to worry about them now (since new ones are stacking up without a problem), but I noticed my attitude has changed. Or is it me? Now I'm only thinking about how early I have to get up, how stiff the air in my flat is, how dark it's getting and how much darker it's only gonna get when they switch the clock. Where are the days when I used to go to bed and look forward to tomorrow? I'm trying to remember when's the last time that I woke up with a smile on my face. It seems to be ages ago and on a different continent... Damn, this is depressing.

I went to a concert last week – just to spite the routine. I went to an exhibition the day after, for the same reason. I was joking that the next week can't pass without an opera or something. But now that I think of it, what have the Royal Orchestra and all those light installations showed me? That I just don't enjoy it as much as I did before. I'm thinking about different things now and although I'd like to enjoy all that stuff, it looks like I'm just focused on other pointless issues that are draining all the joy out of me and are surely about to give me an ulcer. But, can I help it? No. I'm not going to force stuff on myself – although maybe I should. I was thinking that I could forget about all the ridiculous things that are happening now by remembering and practising those that I used to enjoy before. It ended up being like a dish that you're using the right recipe for, but with five-year-old ingredients. Hell, even my initial thought has turned into a reality-awareness lesson, which is not what I had in mind at first.

My point is simply this: do the things you like doing. You obviously like them for a reason. But please don't make them a boring routine! Change the order you do things: look out the window first and then go to the bathroom, stretch out a bit before going to bed, smile at your own reflection in the mirror, do random things differently (it's said to improve your memory) and fuck, have the courage to change the direction of your tooth brush strokes (according to what the dentist says, of course)!

I defy all that is usual! I'll go for a walk in the middle of the night - when it's the coldest, I'll get out of the library and ring a dear friend when I'm the busiest and I will pick out the hardest errand as my first task! Don't let the paranoia prevent you from enjoying life. I'll think of the shittiest memories and the darkest days and turn them into the best things that happened to me! That'll teach me to shut the fuck up and remind myself that I'm no the only one out there, that there's people who are in deeper shit and that there might as well be a ray of sunshine after the whole forsaken storm.

I honestly didn't mean this to sound like a dear-diary entry. I had a really bright moment there in the bathroom and I felt like it all makes perfect sense and it's all happening for a reason. My point was simply this: take it as it comes. It may be shitty, but it might as well be just fine. If it's bad - deal with it, if it's shitty – learn from it, if it's hopeless – grow from it and if it's good – cherish it. I came to realize (again) that life passes while we're being idiots. Cherish!

All the smiles, jokes and glances, the thoughts that've been read, hopes put up, spirits lifted, laughs uncontrolled, moments expected, senses enhanced, conversations expected and life embraced – oh, how I miss you.

Now I'm just as lost as before. Maybe I should go back to my bathroom...

(Also posted on ChillBase.org - check it out!)

the summer's already here - big time!

so, i thought it might be a good moment to add something to this so-called blog, since i've got some extra time (as well as tons of dust) on my hands at the moment...

to start off, i passed a hard-core exam yesterday, so i'm feeling quite relaxed now, since it's been bothering me for almost a month now. i'm finally done with the theory, practice and problematics of textile, clothing and such. although the exam in itself isn't that bad - it leaves a lot of space for discussion and extra research - it tends to become a pain in the butt, so i'm really glad it's over.

especially for the fact that i was supposed to be done with all this at the beginning of july, but with how everything tends to prolong itself abnormally, this took ages as well. another thing is that i'm moving , although not far - just a floor below. it'll be my own little squalor: a single room with a small kitchen - turkish coffee ftw. - as the matter of fact, i could have one now... ;D

anyway, since today was the first day i'm actually study free, i've started doing a bit of cleaning, throwing stuff away, reading small pieces of paper and remembering the stories behind them... it reminded me of all the small things i keep forgetting in this fast-forward world. i've been hanging a lot around the university library lately, but i've still managed to separate some time in the evening to spend with my mates. there were some really great events taking place which i definitely wasn't gonna miss and i think it's partially what kept me sane, or i'd just flip out reading and studying all the time.

at the same time i have a feeling i'll be missing all this one day, when i get a 50-hour-week with 16 days off per year, but at the moment i just feel like it's too much already and i'm fed up with it. what pisses me off is that even with a brilliant master plan i can't seem to be able to make things work - something always gets in the way. so i reckon that as soon as i accept the fact that it comes in a package, the sooner i can keep on going - and there's always mr. murphy to hate... :P

so, i reckon i'll be moving sometime within the next to weeks and i can only hope that i'll have time to organize it all a bit before i take off. i'll be going to a festival here in croatia called 'future nature' and it seems that i'll be going to the same festival that i've been to the last three years after all - ozora in hungary. it's already started feeling like home, so i reckon spending the money there and enjoying a bit with my mates is the same as sitting here at home and grabbing a couple of beers in the evening.

after that it's Transylvania Calling, which i'm really looking forward to. i just sent the contract out the other day, the line up is already done and the timetable is almost finished. i have a feeling that it's a really great festival organized by a bunch of really cool people, so i'm really looking forward to playing a set there, meeting those people, seeing some people again and chilling with my mates...

well, that's about all that i was gonna say - i don't know if there's anything else besides the fact that i'm glad that the summer vacation's finally here, that i'm changing my habitat and that things are changing a bit - hopefully for the good...

have fun and don't spend too much time in the sun! ;D

festival season is on!

ok, so the festival season has already gotten boosted by the first rays of the warm sun and it's in full swing now already...

after a four-day weekend down on the croatian coast and after a chill weekend outside zagreb, it's time for a real festival, which is taking place just outside osijek in eastern croatia. the fun part is that it's mostly all familiar people playing sets, chilling on the grass, cooking and enjoying the nature...

i'll be playing a chill set as well, so that'll be a nice preparation for the oncoming gigs - one on a festival in pula in july and the big festival in transylvania, romania at the end of august... so, with lots of greetings from now already very hot croatia i bid you a good weekend... ;)

visit this link for the festival's web site (under construction at the moment) and check this out for a small preview... ;)

one and one is zero.

i found this blog that i must've written like two years ago, so here goes:

well, i think it’s about time i rambled some more bullshit, plus i know some of you love the crap that comes out of my mouth, so here goes…

i’ve been going through this really weird phase that’s kept me awake for so many hours. it’s already almost one and i feel wide awake. maybe i’ll write a book, publish it and become the new j. k. rowling – male, of course.

anyway, after the summer that turned out to be so much better than i could’ve even expected, the time has some when the clouds gather, when it rains a lot and when the public transportation gets crammed with damn school kids. and something in me was persistent in letting me know that i should do something.

so one night i went to bed at eleven, coz i was planning to get some quality sleep – stress on planning. the last time that i looked at the clock it was 05.05 and i was slightly going daft. there’s this point when you just can’t stay awake anymore and you’re just too tired to get up again. there’s no point anyway. so i got up, had a cigarette at the balcony, watched the sunrise and tried some stretching stuff that i used to do in gokarn. it didn’t feel the same, nor did it help, so i kept on with feeling like shit.

i started doing something that i really hate myself for whenever i do it, namely rethinking my life, the things that i’ve done and the dreams i’m trying to follow. the thing is that i pretty much do i in a really bad and unassertive way, almost wanting to whip myself like that albino-da-vinci-code guy. i mean, if i’d known ten years ago what i know now, i would’ve been much better off. well maybe not, who knows – i never think about what would’ve happened. but that still doesn’t stop me from thinking about what i’ve done. hm, i’m kinda losing the point now and it made so much sense in my head. ah well…

anyway, the thing that got me going is my studies, which some of you know pretty much about. at one point i started feeling stuck in some star-trek-alike time-space distortion and i felt trapped by my own life. it’s already been seven years since i’ve started my studies and even though it’s three courses, which makes it a pretty huge bite to take, i felt good coz i chose what i really wanted, or at least what i thought i wanted at that time. but i started neglecting it since i had to work and there just wasn’t a way i could do it both at the same time. believe me, i’ve done it for half a year, going to classes from eight to six, working from seven to three, going some to do translations and then back off to the uni. after coping with drunk people in the streets, sleeping in trams to make it up and disregarding all the sane warnings that my head and body were sending me, i just couldn’t handle it anymore.

it seemed like a good thing to take it easy then, so i only worked six days a week, but i stopped going to lectures and naturally was way behind with my schedule. oh shit, i’m really going too far now.

what i wanted to say is that i’ve quit my job before the summer since i wanted to settle the things with the uni, but in the end i did nothing, coz i was so tired from work and everything that’s just been pressing me down for such a long time.

anyway, i’ve spent the last week at the uni, meeting professors, writing papers and dealing with all those leftovers. i took my grade book and compared it to the study guide to check out what i have to take care of, how many classes and exams i’ve got left and what there is to do. i started to feel real good about myself like every time that i start doing something. i could’ve gone on for ages, but as always, there has to be some out-of-space shit happening to me. my professor lost my 100% accurate exam in german, so now she doesn’t believe me that i took it, one of the professors won’t be around for another month and so on and so forth. i was walking back home swearing out loud, blaming the world, the global warming and the surinamese government coz i just can’t fucking get why that kind of crap happens to me all the time. i just can’t.

anyway, i kept going on, so i wrote a seminar (with an insane theme about ‘the dual past in cartography’ – go figure) and applied for the exam next week, i passed the exam in mid-welsh today and although i think i’ll flunk swedish syntax, it felt fucking great!

anyway, the lessons start next week, so i’ll finally be starting my senior year and getting even closer to the end of this horrible thing called ’studying in croatia’. if the albanese mafia doesn’t take over the continent or some popsicle-shaped aliens rule the earth, i should finish by 2009, which is gonna bring my studying era to nine years and break even the worse university averages. maybe i get an anti-cum laude diploma or something. but there’s gonna be fucking fireworks that day, i’m sure…

anyway, i’ve lost it now – i wanted to write something completely different. anyway, i’ll be off now, maybe i manage to get some sleep. i’m going to an indian barbecue tomorrow, back to uni next week and then the season-opening party, woohoo!

my head is totally blank now, although i know there was a bigger thought right about the time that i started writing this pile of crap. anyway, till the next insanity breach, here’s a little piece of advice: never start studying three courses at the same fucking time!

pop corn and doughnuts!